10 Things I Fear the Most

Let's be honest

My birthday is around the corner. The older I get, the more fears I accumulate.

I want to take the chance to indulge in my fears, inviting these old friends to my birthday party. They are my closest companions, running like background tasks when I’m awake and playing back vividly in my dreams.

10 Things I fear the most

1. Mediocrity: I will never be the person I want to be

• I will never create things I’m satisfied with, and my contributions to the world will remain insignificant. Those I admire might look down on me, withholding recognition.

• I may never be able to help others improve their lives. Much like a line from the Chinese novel “Fortress Besieged”

  You aren’t annoying, but you are completely useless 你不讨厌，可也全无用处

2. Not content with what I have, but also can’t change anything

• I'm not talented at anything, and even worse, I can't work hard—but even if I could, nobody cares.

3. Don’t know what to do when facing difficult problems

• I don’t know how to solve a problem, the pressure of a looming deadline weighs on me, and I spiral into a panic attack.

• I will disappoint someone and eventually become a lunch break joke

4. Not being accepted by a community

• People might discover I’m a fraud, publicly point out my mistakes, reject me for who I am, and ultimately banish me from the community.

5. Loss of loved ones

• Parents/loved ones passed away or left me. I lose all emotional connections and supports in the world

6. Moments of loneliness

• Waking up in an overly quiet room after a nap

• Being homeless in a foreign country

• Dying somewhere, unnoticed for weeks

7. Regret of not trying

• The fear of failure makes me give up trying, leading to regret and it only deepens with age.

8. Regret of trying

• Thinking about the road not taken and the life that could have been, whether it’s career versus family, fills me with regret over choices that didn’t lead to the best outcomes.

9. Losing control of my life

• Falling into depression for weeks or months, paralyzed by fear and unable to move, I fear losing myself to the endless cycle of survival through work or family obligations.

10. Mega Fear: No money, no friends, die alone and sad

• to summarize it all

Unexpected Findings

It’s hard to come up with 10 unique fears. I set out to list 20-30 fears, but lots of them were overlapping. After some grouping and deduping, there aren’t that many unique ones. I need to “fail harder” so I can have a richer list next year.🤣

Feels good to make fears concrete. This practice makes fears tangible and concrete. Once they are described in words, they transformed from shapeless monsters into small and funny creatures.

Dreams and regrets outweigh material fears. I used to think losing money was my biggest fear, but it turned out that “dreams”, “regrets” and “self-actualization” are higher on the list.

Connection and community matter more than I thought. This is really unexpected. I never thought that the root of my fears can be not being accepted by others.

Mitigations

While writing out these fears, some already seem pretty ridiculous. 80% of the fears are no-ops or needs little actions, and only 20% of them need to be act on.

60% of the fears can be resolved by “just accepting it”.

Failures, lack of talent, regrets, and criticism are beyond my control and must simply be accepted.

20% can be resolved with small actions. The fear of “can’t help others” can be addressed by starting with those close to me. The fear of “losing autonomy” can be eased by doing small creative acts like doodling or journaling daily. These repeated small actions can be a form of behavioural art in themselves.

20% fears requires real actions.

Fear of mediocrity: I should create more. The more prolific I am, the better I will become. Even if I never make a “masterpiece” , I still enjoy the breakthroughs and progress I made during each creation.

Fear of not trying: I should overcome this fear and do it. Both trying and not trying are suffering. I’d better pick the short pain than the long lasting regret of not attempting at all.

I don’t know how my friends will turn up next year. Maybe they’ll change, maybe they won’t show up at all, or perhaps someone new will join the party. But for now, I’m glad we finally get to spent some quality time together.